Funnies Page
For the week of: August 19, 2007
Bush in Hell
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I don't know what to do here,' says the Devil. 'You're on
my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't
quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of
water. He kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was
his fate in hell.
'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think
I could do that all day long.'
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer
and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time
after time, and more rocks appeared.
'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony
if all I could do was break rocks all day!' thought George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked
on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread
eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah,
I can handle this.'
'The devil smiled and said: "Ok, Monica, you're free to go"
10 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point
a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Some one Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
Clyde on Trial
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking Company's
fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde .
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine' asked the
lawyer."
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman
on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.Please tell him to
simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want
to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she
was in terrible shape just by her groans." "Shortly after the
accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning
and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her
fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then
the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and
said, 'How are you feeling?' Now what the heck would you have said?"
Blue suit
A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive
expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife
how she would like the body dressed He points out that the man does look
very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best
in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit She gives Bubba a blank check
and says, "I don't care what it costs, just have my husband in a blue
suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, "Whatever the suit
cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.
How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check. "Dere's
no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!"
she says. "Honestly, ma'am," Bubba says, "it didn't cost
me a ting. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was
brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive
blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing
a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked
nice."
"So, I just switched the heads."
A crusty old man
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I
want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies," I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood
you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him
of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a
hard time?
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
Here is something for us to ponder:
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry
mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving .. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
o f souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change
of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pres sure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows
that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving
only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains
why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" .
Atomic Frogg Productions™